The call
by Kittu Pannu
One call.
To reveal simply.
How much you've crossed my mind.
To tell you.
The happiness that's come and gone.
The small talk I give
to see what elicits your response.
To study and understand
Where in your eyes
I stand.
What if I revealed my future plans.
Those once thought to be incompatible.
Those small town dreams
More realized now than ever.
The next five years,
Your own wet dream.
Would that make you want me again?
To take the hurt of boundary-making away?
Break the new version of me,
So self sufficient and untethered to your codependence?
Could I learn to love where I'm going,
Simply because you're there with me?
Could it become viable long-term
instead of a well-intended detour?
My journey entwined with your own,
once again hopeful to be
So much more than a short destination.
Could you make all of this
that much sweeter,
Just through sharing in
your own palpable happiness?
One call.
To remind me why
I fell in the first place.
To negate the years
of self worth,
love,
determination.
All built up
in response to devastation wrought.
Could you reject
your baser instincts,
Embracing the transformation
I prematurely requested you make?
Abandon your death wish,
Relish in the love
we could continue to make?
Could you actually make me the happiest,
Like you promised moments before
doing the exact opposite?
One call.
To prove all my friends wrong.
To show your capabilities and growth.
To see firsthand the benefits
of my own harshness in cutting away.
Cruelty felt not only by you
but deep in this heart that bled out,
unable to clot and repair itself
as easily as it had before.
The pain of losing you,
asserting myself
in light of your callousness.
Because for all I know,
Stagnation and depression
may have occupied your heart,
Paralyzed in indecision.
Frozen with fear of your potential,
to shed traumas inflicted
from family and lesser loves.
Would our call make a difference?
Would you admit
the error of your ways
and vow to be better?
To live in your full potential?
To be the beautiful, caring person
You once were to me?
To be worthy of me.
Full of warmth and light.
To shower me with the love and care
I had and would undoubtedly gift
to you.
And that's why I can't.
Because doing so opens me up.
Vulnerable.
To repeat my past missteps.
The enduring optimist in me.
When it comes to you.
Antibodies that will persevere,
awaiting your return.
Their need to reactivate
and know.
You're safe.
Loved.
Thriving.
As I'd remain marooned on an island,
Desolation and loneliness
from your inability to commit.
To anything and all we could have been.
Because one call can do so much,
And I stand older.
Wiser.
Realistic.
Optimism run dry
in matters of my heart and you.
Remaining steadfast in my commitment
to me and my wellbeing.
To reveal simply.
How much you've crossed my mind.
To tell you.
The happiness that's come and gone.
The small talk I give
to see what elicits your response.
To study and understand
Where in your eyes
I stand.
What if I revealed my future plans.
Those once thought to be incompatible.
Those small town dreams
More realized now than ever.
The next five years,
Your own wet dream.
Would that make you want me again?
To take the hurt of boundary-making away?
Break the new version of me,
So self sufficient and untethered to your codependence?
Could I learn to love where I'm going,
Simply because you're there with me?
Could it become viable long-term
instead of a well-intended detour?
My journey entwined with your own,
once again hopeful to be
So much more than a short destination.
Could you make all of this
that much sweeter,
Just through sharing in
your own palpable happiness?
One call.
To remind me why
I fell in the first place.
To negate the years
of self worth,
love,
determination.
All built up
in response to devastation wrought.
Could you reject
your baser instincts,
Embracing the transformation
I prematurely requested you make?
Abandon your death wish,
Relish in the love
we could continue to make?
Could you actually make me the happiest,
Like you promised moments before
doing the exact opposite?
One call.
To prove all my friends wrong.
To show your capabilities and growth.
To see firsthand the benefits
of my own harshness in cutting away.
Cruelty felt not only by you
but deep in this heart that bled out,
unable to clot and repair itself
as easily as it had before.
The pain of losing you,
asserting myself
in light of your callousness.
Because for all I know,
Stagnation and depression
may have occupied your heart,
Paralyzed in indecision.
Frozen with fear of your potential,
to shed traumas inflicted
from family and lesser loves.
Would our call make a difference?
Would you admit
the error of your ways
and vow to be better?
To live in your full potential?
To be the beautiful, caring person
You once were to me?
To be worthy of me.
Full of warmth and light.
To shower me with the love and care
I had and would undoubtedly gift
to you.
And that's why I can't.
Because doing so opens me up.
Vulnerable.
To repeat my past missteps.
The enduring optimist in me.
When it comes to you.
Antibodies that will persevere,
awaiting your return.
Their need to reactivate
and know.
You're safe.
Loved.
Thriving.
As I'd remain marooned on an island,
Desolation and loneliness
from your inability to commit.
To anything and all we could have been.
Because one call can do so much,
And I stand older.
Wiser.
Realistic.
Optimism run dry
in matters of my heart and you.
Remaining steadfast in my commitment
to me and my wellbeing.