used flowers
A Repurposed Comedy
by Willy Conley
by Willy Conley
Present. A small flower store on Main Street of a small town. The owner is setting up a video camera. The owner’s assistant is arranging some pots of flowers in the background.
OWNER
Could you please bring over Fern?
ASSISTANT
You want me to set her off to the side behind you?
OWNER
Yes, I want to be sure the TV viewers can clearly see her. Fern is one of the healthiest used plants we have.
ASSISTANT
How about the cactus?
OWNER
Of course – Barb, the cactus! How could I forget? Great idea. Bring Barb over.
ASSISTANT
Wow, Barb has come a long way.
OWNER
Oh my god, can’t believe we almost lost her. A month ago, she was so dried and wrinkled when her previous owner brought her in. Needles falling out left and right.
ASSISTANT
You sure saved Barb with your magic touch.
OWNER
Aw shucks, thank you.
A customer enters with a large, brown, droopy plant.
CUSTOMER
Is this the place to drop off used flowers?
OWNER
You’ve come to the right place. (to ASSISTANT) Please take down this customer’s name and contact info.
CUSTOMER
No, that’s ok. I’m just giving up this plant. I don’t want it back.
OWNER
How about taking one of our revived plants home? We’ve got a bromeliad, a hydrangea, a lavender--
CUSTOMER
No, no, that’s ok. Plants are too much work. I can’t go away anywhere without always worrying about finding someone to water my plant and make sure it gets the right amount of sunshine, plant food, and blah-blah-blah. It gets expensive. I’m done being a plant owner.
OWNER
Well, we’ll nurse this one back to health…hopefully find a good home for her. I’m glad you came here. Most people dump old plants into the trash.
CUSTOMER
You provide a good service.
OWNER
If only more people felt the same way.
CUSTOMER
You should put an ad in the paper or do a TV commercial.
OWNER
Funny you said that! We’re actually working on a public service announcement video now. Would you like to be a part of it?
CUSTOMER
Me? You’re kidding?
ASSISTANT
I think you’d be perfect.
OWNER
Yes. If we gave you an old, gently-used plant, you could walk out, come back into the store again and we’ll videotape you. You would represent our everyday customer.
ASSISTANT
You might become famous.
CUSTOMER
You get customers coming in every day with old plants?
OWNER
(pause)
Well, not exactly.
ASSISTANT
Not enough customers.
OWNER
It’s why we’re making a commercial! Do you have some time?
CUSTOMER
Uh...well..., honestly, I’m out of a job at the moment.
ASSISTANT
Perfect! I mean...not perfect that you have no job...but perfect for us, you know?
CUSTOMER
Yeah, I guess so. Say, you’ve got some really nice flowers here…
Starts sniffing them as OWNER is setting up for the video shoot.
ASSISTANT
No, no, no! Please don’t sniff the flowers!
CUSTOMER
Oh, sorry. But why?
ASSISTANT
If a lot of people go around sniffing them, all of the flowers would lose their scent.
CUSTOMER
But you don’t get a lot of people, right?
ASSISTANT
Well, after our video release, we probably will.
Starts to vigorously shake some of the plants.
CUSTOMER
Whoa! I’m not allowed to smell them but it’s okay to choke them??
ASSISTANT
Oh no, I’m not choking the plants. I’m doing some Thigmomorphogenesis.
CUSTOMER
You’re doing what?
ASSISTANT
Thigmo-morpho-genesis. I’m shaking them. It stimulates a plant’s growth and makes the stems stronger. It’s like
mimicking the wind, as if the plants were out in the wild.
OWNER sing-songs poetry to some of the plants
OWNER
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine:
There sleeps Titania sometime of the night,
Lull'd in these flowers with dances and delight.
CUSTOMER
What’s going on?
ASSISTANT
Oh, my boss is reciting some Shakespeare...I think.
CUSTOMER
Weird! Thought your boss wanted me to come into the store with a plant as part of your video.
ASSISTANT
That’ll happen soon.
CUSTOMER
What’s with all that fancy talking?
ASSISTANT
Have you heard that music helps flowers grow?
CUSTOMER
Yeah, I read that somewhere, but I never tried it.
ASSISTANT
Maybe it’s why your plant got sick.
OWNER
There! Now, I think our flower performers are all perked up and ready for their close-ups. Ha-ha-ha!
CUSTOMER
What do you want me to do?
OWNER
Would you get Roosevelt, please?
ASSISTANT gets an almost dried out, brown rose plant in a pot and hands it to CUSTOMER.
OWNER
Okay, great! All I need you to do is go out the door with Roosevelt and wait until you see me say to the camera, “Used Flowers for Sale!”
CUSTOMER
Go out the door with who?
OWNER
Roosevelt, the used little rose plant that you’re holding.
CUSTOMER
Oh, alright. Then what do I do when I come into the store?
OWNER
Come up to me and put Roosevelt down on the counter. Let’s practice. Ready?
(They do a comical routine with CUSTOMER setting the plant down on the counter with back to the camera, blocking the OWNER from the camera’s viewpoint.)
OWNER
I think we’re finally ready. (to CUSTOMER) Wait outside the door. Watch for your cue: “Used flowers for sale!”
(All get ready. OWNER uses a pair of hedge clippers as a clapboard.)
OWNER
Roll tape and action!
(Prances around, sniffs some flowers lovingly, spritzes some water on them, and signs grandly. )
“Used flowers for sale.”
(CUSTOMER enters awkwardly with Roosevelt and sets down the plant on the counter).
OWNER
We accept all kinds of old, gently used flowers and revitalize them. “Don’t dump ‘em, adopt them! If they’re old,
we make ‘em bold; if they’re used, we make ‘em amused.”
(CUSTOMER who has been standing beside Roosevelt, unsure what to do during this part, gets struck by inspiration. CUSTOMER looks to the camera, looks back to the plant, sniffs the plant and gestures to the camera “no-no!” as if it is taboo to do so. Shakes the plant and gestures thumbs up to the camera.)
CUSTOMER
(reciting in a flowery manner)
“Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows.”
Gestures “thumbs up” some more
and walks out the door.
OWNER
And cut! That was not bad!
CUSTOMER
Opens the door and looks in.
How was that?
ASSISTANT claps with applause.
OWNER
We just may have a new job for you!
THE END
OWNER
Could you please bring over Fern?
ASSISTANT
You want me to set her off to the side behind you?
OWNER
Yes, I want to be sure the TV viewers can clearly see her. Fern is one of the healthiest used plants we have.
ASSISTANT
How about the cactus?
OWNER
Of course – Barb, the cactus! How could I forget? Great idea. Bring Barb over.
ASSISTANT
Wow, Barb has come a long way.
OWNER
Oh my god, can’t believe we almost lost her. A month ago, she was so dried and wrinkled when her previous owner brought her in. Needles falling out left and right.
ASSISTANT
You sure saved Barb with your magic touch.
OWNER
Aw shucks, thank you.
A customer enters with a large, brown, droopy plant.
CUSTOMER
Is this the place to drop off used flowers?
OWNER
You’ve come to the right place. (to ASSISTANT) Please take down this customer’s name and contact info.
CUSTOMER
No, that’s ok. I’m just giving up this plant. I don’t want it back.
OWNER
How about taking one of our revived plants home? We’ve got a bromeliad, a hydrangea, a lavender--
CUSTOMER
No, no, that’s ok. Plants are too much work. I can’t go away anywhere without always worrying about finding someone to water my plant and make sure it gets the right amount of sunshine, plant food, and blah-blah-blah. It gets expensive. I’m done being a plant owner.
OWNER
Well, we’ll nurse this one back to health…hopefully find a good home for her. I’m glad you came here. Most people dump old plants into the trash.
CUSTOMER
You provide a good service.
OWNER
If only more people felt the same way.
CUSTOMER
You should put an ad in the paper or do a TV commercial.
OWNER
Funny you said that! We’re actually working on a public service announcement video now. Would you like to be a part of it?
CUSTOMER
Me? You’re kidding?
ASSISTANT
I think you’d be perfect.
OWNER
Yes. If we gave you an old, gently-used plant, you could walk out, come back into the store again and we’ll videotape you. You would represent our everyday customer.
ASSISTANT
You might become famous.
CUSTOMER
You get customers coming in every day with old plants?
OWNER
(pause)
Well, not exactly.
ASSISTANT
Not enough customers.
OWNER
It’s why we’re making a commercial! Do you have some time?
CUSTOMER
Uh...well..., honestly, I’m out of a job at the moment.
ASSISTANT
Perfect! I mean...not perfect that you have no job...but perfect for us, you know?
CUSTOMER
Yeah, I guess so. Say, you’ve got some really nice flowers here…
Starts sniffing them as OWNER is setting up for the video shoot.
ASSISTANT
No, no, no! Please don’t sniff the flowers!
CUSTOMER
Oh, sorry. But why?
ASSISTANT
If a lot of people go around sniffing them, all of the flowers would lose their scent.
CUSTOMER
But you don’t get a lot of people, right?
ASSISTANT
Well, after our video release, we probably will.
Starts to vigorously shake some of the plants.
CUSTOMER
Whoa! I’m not allowed to smell them but it’s okay to choke them??
ASSISTANT
Oh no, I’m not choking the plants. I’m doing some Thigmomorphogenesis.
CUSTOMER
You’re doing what?
ASSISTANT
Thigmo-morpho-genesis. I’m shaking them. It stimulates a plant’s growth and makes the stems stronger. It’s like
mimicking the wind, as if the plants were out in the wild.
OWNER sing-songs poetry to some of the plants
OWNER
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine:
There sleeps Titania sometime of the night,
Lull'd in these flowers with dances and delight.
CUSTOMER
What’s going on?
ASSISTANT
Oh, my boss is reciting some Shakespeare...I think.
CUSTOMER
Weird! Thought your boss wanted me to come into the store with a plant as part of your video.
ASSISTANT
That’ll happen soon.
CUSTOMER
What’s with all that fancy talking?
ASSISTANT
Have you heard that music helps flowers grow?
CUSTOMER
Yeah, I read that somewhere, but I never tried it.
ASSISTANT
Maybe it’s why your plant got sick.
OWNER
There! Now, I think our flower performers are all perked up and ready for their close-ups. Ha-ha-ha!
CUSTOMER
What do you want me to do?
OWNER
Would you get Roosevelt, please?
ASSISTANT gets an almost dried out, brown rose plant in a pot and hands it to CUSTOMER.
OWNER
Okay, great! All I need you to do is go out the door with Roosevelt and wait until you see me say to the camera, “Used Flowers for Sale!”
CUSTOMER
Go out the door with who?
OWNER
Roosevelt, the used little rose plant that you’re holding.
CUSTOMER
Oh, alright. Then what do I do when I come into the store?
OWNER
Come up to me and put Roosevelt down on the counter. Let’s practice. Ready?
(They do a comical routine with CUSTOMER setting the plant down on the counter with back to the camera, blocking the OWNER from the camera’s viewpoint.)
OWNER
I think we’re finally ready. (to CUSTOMER) Wait outside the door. Watch for your cue: “Used flowers for sale!”
(All get ready. OWNER uses a pair of hedge clippers as a clapboard.)
OWNER
Roll tape and action!
(Prances around, sniffs some flowers lovingly, spritzes some water on them, and signs grandly. )
“Used flowers for sale.”
(CUSTOMER enters awkwardly with Roosevelt and sets down the plant on the counter).
OWNER
We accept all kinds of old, gently used flowers and revitalize them. “Don’t dump ‘em, adopt them! If they’re old,
we make ‘em bold; if they’re used, we make ‘em amused.”
(CUSTOMER who has been standing beside Roosevelt, unsure what to do during this part, gets struck by inspiration. CUSTOMER looks to the camera, looks back to the plant, sniffs the plant and gestures to the camera “no-no!” as if it is taboo to do so. Shakes the plant and gestures thumbs up to the camera.)
CUSTOMER
(reciting in a flowery manner)
“Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows.”
Gestures “thumbs up” some more
and walks out the door.
OWNER
And cut! That was not bad!
CUSTOMER
Opens the door and looks in.
How was that?
ASSISTANT claps with applause.
OWNER
We just may have a new job for you!
THE END